It must be spring coming on. I couldn’t stand my beard for another minute. I had warned my wife that it had to go. She finally gave in and said that if the beard was bothering me so much I could shave it off.
As spring approaches my beard gets shaggier and itchier. It drives me nuts. I get tired of it getting into my bowl of Cheerios® and my oil paints.
So this morning I shaved it off and my wife finished the job, cutting my hair after I mowed most of it off. It was while I was picking up the hair, which looked like a bale of cotton, that I found some of my stuff. I squeezed that bail of beard hair and got about a pint of syrup. I felt something sharp.
I was fishing last summer and dropped my flies. I looked all over the ground, pushing away the brush, and shooing away a rattlesnake, but I couldn’t find them. I thought it was Xrytspet© from Fanton in G10009845788899990766 playing tricks on me. That little wimp appeared and said she didn’t do it and even helped me look for them. Well, I found them this morning in my beard. There was an Adam’s Fly, two Royal Coachman, and that black gnat I tied on a number 18 hook I was so proud of.
One thing that has concerned me over the winter is that I lost my silver clad hematite bolo that my Navaho friend had made for me in Arizona. He gave me a discount only charging me 350 bucks. So I needed to find it. I saw the leather necklace first and when I pulled on it and there was the rest of the bolo. I jumped up and down with joy.
After I found the treasures, my wife sent me out to the front yard to put up the flag. The wind hit my face like ten thousand icicles.
Did I shave my beard too early this year?
The End
John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine. He is Executive Representative of IWS sellers of Tyler Hicks wealth-success books and kits. He also sells TopFlight flagpoles. He calls himself “Taylor Jones, the hack writer.”
More info: http://www.tjbooks.com
Business web site: http://www.aaaflagpoles.com
Sure…I loved her. She was smart, attractive, polite and a total demon in the sack. Unfortunately, the perfection ended there. So what’s the problem, you ask? Simple…she had a garbage mouth. No, I don’t mean she cursed like a sailor, I mean her mouth literally smelled like garbage.
Beauty can hide a great many things, but it can’t mask bad breath. Those sweet nothings whispered late at night into one’s ear aren’t nearly so sweet when it smells like you are lying in a dumpster. B.O. I could have handled. She was that beautiful. An uneven temperament would have been acceptable considering all her other great qualities. Even a Cindy Crawford “beauty mark” (known to us common folk as a mole) with three long hairs hanging off of it would probably not have deterred my affection.
Bad breath, however, is something I can’t stomach. I often wondered, “how can she not know?” It wasn’t as though she had a little problem. This was the kind of bad breath that showed itself in a brightly lit room. I could swear that after a half-hour makeout session, my face would stink. There’s really no way to handle a situation such as this.
I tried the old, “I’ve got gum, would you like a stick?”, but to no avail. My next option was, “I’ve got a toothbrush, some floss and a bottle of Listerine…care to give it a try?” but luckily it never got that far. She could sense that something wasn’t right between us. Maybe it was the way I winced whenever she spoke to me. Maybe it was the way I avoided being close to her face. Maybe it was the welder’s mask I wore on our last date. I can’t be certain, but I do know that it relieved me to no end when she told me it just wasn’t working out between us.
It relieved me even more that she told me over the phone.
A BadBreathOGram is an e-mail you send to someone who you want to know has bad breath but you do not want to confront directly. Give it a try. Tell someone they have bad breath.
Have you ever got up and planned an important day only to find your hair will not cooperate at all? It just looks like crap? There is nothing you can do and everything you try makes it worse. So you just start all over and try it again? Still the same problem and the you look at the clock and say “oh well” I give up there is just nothing I can do, screw it. Yet in your mind you are worried because you do not look your best?
Perhaps hair number 1823 is slightly out of place and it is just ruining your whole day? What is someone suppose to do when your day is about to completely fall apart because your hair looks like a train wreck? Is there anything you can do? Yes, there is something and I have been observing people with bad hair days all my life, so here is my advice:
Shoot yourself you moron. My gosh what is your friggin problem your vanity is absurd; ” Bad hair day?” Yah, so what, that’s life you know. I tell you, if you cannot handle a bad hair day without slamming a bottle of Prozac or popping some anti-depressant type pharmaceutical drug, you really are not facing the reality of life on Earth and in which case you need to get a life. So just shoot yourself, get it over with and then in your next life maybe you will come back with perfect hair as a porcupine? Nice spikey and think and you will be well protected from predators and a bad hair day. You moron.
“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/
